Terrorist Attacks & Anxiety - 10 Tips

10 THINGS I NEED TO PICK UP AT THE WALL MART TO PROTECT MY FAMILY FROM A TERRORIST ATTACK
by Melinda Schroeder

Now, when it comes to my family, the ever present threat of a terrorist attack, and getting the most for my money? Where else you gonna go other than your local Wal-Mart. I mean, when them Al Qaeda could very well target my county of Mason, Ohio; we do have the largest clover shaped highway interchange in the country right here in Mason, so it wouldn’t surprise me at all if that was on their list, okay? I’m just lettin’ ya’ll know that right now, okay? So, I decided to do something about this, and I packed the kids in the van (Brant, Little Bobby, Suzie, Jimmy Jr. and Bobby Jr.), and we headed out to our favorite Wal-Mart. They have the best prices there, the widest selection; I mean a much better selection than that other Wal-Mart that’s just down the road a few more miles on route 13. I don’t really like that one, they never have my size, and this one, they all know me there anyway and they got better sales goin’ on, too, okay?

So, in case of some sneaky gas attack, or a bomb, or one of those, whatever they call them, those “dirty bombs?” I’m gonna make sure me and my family are ready. Because you are not gonna catch me out in the cold, okay? So here was my list of 10 things I needed:

1) Duct Tape (36 rolls - $24.99) You’ll need plenty of this great stuff, I mean, it holds the world together, okay? It’s good for just about anything. You can tape your windows shut, keep out the air, okay?

2) Plenty of Reynolds plastic wrap (50 boxes - $11.99) I even get some that’s colored, the kids seem to like that. It’s a good idea just for extra protection to seal your windows with an extra layer of plastic wrap. Then just put a bunch of duct tape around the edges, that’s supposed to keep the chemicals out and what not, okay?

3) Razor Blades (box of 300 - $2.99) They were the kind that fit in those industrial size box cutters. It’s awfully handy when you gotta cut a lot of duct tape, okay?

4) Snow suits (got all 6 for the kids for under $69.99) I heard a good tip from my neighbor Cathy that those types of nylon snow suits can keep chemicals off my baby’s behind. And besides, they just look so adorable in them little suits that cover them from their toes all the way up to their ears. And like I said, I got ‘em all on sale, okay?

5) Toilet Paper (48 rolls – $14.99) Well, this was a no brainer, cuz thinking that if we was stuck in the house, okay? I mean, Little Bobby can really go, okay?

6) Lysol (12 cans - $6.99) This stuff works great with them there “dirty bombs,” cuz I hear that they’re real dirty, okay? And they can, like, really mess up your house, and Lysol gets rid of germs and odor, okay?

7) Finger Paints and markers (Art Kit - $10.99) See, I thought it would be a fun little activity for the kids to write little messages on the windows, messages to those terrorists, like “Go home!” or “Die Osama!” or just, like, paint little pictures of the American flag, just to show our support, and that we ain’t gonna give up, okay?

8) This cute little blouse, my size (Size 12 - $14.99) Well, I just couldn’t resist temptation this time around. I figured, if we were gonna be under attack, and stuck in the house, what’s the harm in having a new blouse to brighten your mood, okay?

9) Painters masks (10 - $5.99), You know the kinds, right? Those kinds of masks those painters wear. Well, they’re supposed to be real good for those chemicals. Some of them chemicals, they can hurt you, and I’m gonna protect my children, no matter what, okay?

10) Bullets (Box of 100 - $4.99) Just in case, because, you never know, you know? I mean, anything can happen, and I ain’t afraid, and I will go and get me at least a couple of them Osamas, okay?

So all for just $168.99 I was able to protect my home and family from a terrorist attack, and feel safe about their well being. You should, too, okay?

-This article was written a purely satirical nature and should not be taken seriously.


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Note: The above information is written for entertaining purposes only. If you feel the need for expert guidance, please seek the advice of a physician, pharmacist, or other healthcare professionals.