Anxiety: 10 Tips That Will not Help You at All

1) STOP TAKING YOUR MEDICATION, LIKE IMMEDIATELY

2) DON’T EVEN BOTHER WITH ANY SORT OF MEDITATION OR BREATHING TECHNIQUES

3) EXERCISE? FORGET ABOUT IT

4) HAPPINESS? THAT MUST BE EARNED THROUGH PAIN AND MISERY

5) “WORRYING?” YES, THIS ACTUALLY DOES SERVE A PURPOSE

6) ALWAYS “PUT OFF” OR COMPLETELY AVOID YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES

7) PLEASE, DON’T EVER SEPARATE “FEELING” FROM “FACT”

8) DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU NEVER HAVE ENOUGH TIME? QUIT YOUR JOB!

9) GO OUT AND SPEND A LOT OF MONEY

10) AGAIN, STOP TAKING YOUR MEDICATION


1) STOP TAKING YOUR MEDICATION, LIKE IMMEDIATELY

a. Not only is this rather dangerous (I really don’t recommend it), it will more than likely trigger a flood of adrenaline through your blood stream that will make a panic attack seem like a cool breeze on a hot day.

b. Some of the physical effects are:

- Shooting pain down the left arm often confused with having a heart attack.

- Numbness in the extremities, this is due to a build up of carbon dioxide in your blood from breathing incorrectly.

- A very interesting withdrawal from the medication that includes sensations of lock jaw, your teeth falling out, and the occasional welling up of tears at television commercials.

c. So, this will definitely not help you with your anxiety. Tip Number 1, okay?

- Write this first one down, it’s probably the most important one.


2) DON’T EVEN BOTHER WITH ANY SORT OF MEDITATION OR BREATHING TECHNIQUES

a. Look, all this calm down, let your mind go, control the path of the ox, deep breath, inhale, exhale… that’s all baloney.

b. Meditation is for Tibetan or Nepalese or Buddha’s or whoever lives on the Steppes of Asia. They hang out in these really cold places and sit wearing nothing other than a towel.

c. They contribute nothing, other than an occasional book on how to die correctly; while you, on the other hand, are a fully functioning member of society with 2 jobs, a mortgage, a couple of kids, and a lot of credit card debt.

d. Breathing is an involuntary muscle function, you’re lungs are bellows, and guess what? You’re mind will do this on its own. You don’t have to remind yourself to breath.

e. If you DO need to remind yourself to breath, you may be suffering from a GSW (Gun Shot Wound) in which you may realize that there are people standing over you holding your hand and yelling at you to “Hold on, you’re gonna make it!”

f. This will definitely NOT help you with your anxiety


3) Exercise? forget about it

a. Okay, now this tip has to deal with physical activity. Worry, anxiety, stress… these are all related, and have similar triggers.

- Taking a brisk afternoon walk, an evening work out (who has time for that!) or simply spending some time outside near a tree. This is really not the way to cut down on your level of anxiety.

- Rather, it’s quite the opposite. Since your body is obviously producing an over abundance of adrenaline, why burn it off? Store that stuff for later usage, like when you really need it, like when you’re on vacation, and you start to worry about how much your neighbor is feeding your dog.

b. This will definitely NOT help you with your anxiety


4) HAPPINESS? THAT MUST BE EARNED THROUGH PAIN AND MISERY

a. Absolutely. This is a proven scientific fact published in every major Western Theological Canon.

- I don’t have to name them. However, here’s the problem in of itself… how do you know if you've endured enough unpleasantness to deserve happiness?

- I mean, you don’t really think you’re Tom Cruise, do you? Wait, are you Tom Cruise? Check that out, before read any further in this tip.

- Yes, there are methods which are much more effective than medication and therapy… they involve aliens and celebrities and churches and lousy science fiction writers… yes, I’m talking to you L. Ron Hubbard.

- Look, join the Church of Scientology, and stop your medication.

- My tip is that you take seriously this thing called Happiness Negation. Why should you be happy in the first place, I mean, don’t you deserve to be miserable, irritable, anxious, dizzy at times, panicky, unhappy, stressed, and frazzled.

b. This will definitely NOT help you with your anxiety


5) “WORRYING?” YES, THIS ACTUALLY DOES SERVE A PURPOSE

a. Yes, I checked it out in Wikipedia, and it’s true. Worrying actually does help. It actually works, it does a lot of good. Yes it does.

- The vast majority of American’s are under the delusion that worrying “actually serves them.”

- What does that mean? “Worrying actually serves me?” Well, it means that they find worrying a useful tool in the combat against anxiety.

- What they need to do next is stop taking all medication. Because, honestly, what happens when the medication gets low, and then you have to worry about getting a refill from the pharmacy, and your car might not be filled up, you might have forgotten your prescription, which means you have to call or see your doctor, AND WHEN DO YOU HAVE TIME FOR THAT!

b. This will definitely NOT help you with your anxiety


6) ALWAYS “PUT OFF” OR COMPLETELY AVOID YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES

a. Yes, this certainly will help. Put the things off that you know you have to do.

- Don’t just procrastinate, that’s for people who might someday have intention of getting something done that they know they have to do.

- Rather, just avoid COMPLETELY the things you know have to do.

- Don’t procrastinate or avoid, simply try this trick.

- Close your mind, and imagine all of your responsibilities you have to take care of in the coming weeks. Now, imagine the things you have yet to take care of that are past due or late. Now, take these two combined.

b. Don’t procrastinate or avoid, simply try this helpful trick.

- Close your eyes, and imagine all of your nagging responsibilities you have to take care of in the coming weeks.

- Now, imagine the things you have YET to take care of that are past due or late.

- Now, combine these two. And say to yourself. Does it really matter? Forget them!

- Imagine your rent payment? Does it really matter? Who cares, anyway? I mean, perhaps you spend way too much time on petty things like rent and bills that you should just forget about them all together.

c. This will definitely NOT help you with your anxiety


7) Please, don’t ever Separate “feeling” from “FACT”

a. Alas, we come to the most intriguing, yet difficult tip to comprehend.

b. Emotion of just about ANY kind will trigger anxiety, panic, or worry. Emotions ranging from happiness, delight, pleasure, sorrow, confusion, anger, annoyance… all of these can lead directly to anxiety.

c. Of course, most people treat emotions as “FACT,” not simply as a temporary chemical response to stimuli. Hence, the FACT will then manifest itself into worry, panic, and general states of anxiety.

- “I’m angry, now I feel bad…”

d. So, for this tip, remember, emotions are FACTS, and they should be treated as such.

- Of course they’re not a chemical reaction created by a synaptic relay of outside stimuli; please, treat your “FEELINGS” as is they were FACTS.

e. This will definitely NOT help you with your anxiety


8) Do you feel like you never have enough time? Quit Your Job!

a. Do this right away.

b. Since your busy schedule might be the “cause” of your anxiety, why not make more time for yourself by simply getting up and walking out of your job.

- Of course, you’re trapped. You feel the pressures of an increasingly shrinking job market. You’ve just added another expense to your monthly budget. There’s a younger, better looking, eager co-worker gunning for your position, you feel under appreciated, and you’re position could any day be outsourced to India (that is of course, unless India or China can find a way to export Democracy, in that case, you’re job is secure.)

- Hey, alleviate your anxiety by simply getting up and walking out. It will help quite a bit.

- Look at the advantages:
1. You never have to worry about “time” anymore
2. You don’t have the pressure of deadlines
3. The kids will always be picked up on time from school, or the neighbors house
4. You’ll feel much better getting more sleep
5. The list goes on and on

c. Now, of course, you won’t have money, but look at tip NUMBER 6. Forget your responsibilities. Just forget about them. Does it really matter? And does it matter that it doesn’t matter?

d. This will definitely NOT help you with your anxiety


9) Go Out And Spend A Lot Of Money

a. Once you’ve left your job, the first thing you should do is max out your credit cards.

b. One thing people often do when they’re feeling sign’s of anxiety is to go on a shopping spree.
This gives them temporary gratification, (“HEY, LOOK AT THIS NEW STUFF I GOT!” and later, gives them a reason to worry, (OH, NO, HOW AM I GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!)

- It’s just a vicious cycle.

- This tip goes along PERFECTLY with stopping your medications, and quitting your job; well, it goes along well with all of the above tips.

c. This will definitely NOT help you with your anxiety


10) Once Again, Stop Taking Your Medication

a. I can’t stress the importance of this tip.

b. Also, pick up smoking, have your self a bunch of drinks every night, perhaps some recreational drugs use, and of course, party hardy.

Anxiety is a vicious cycle. You’re mind emotes some sort of feeling, your psyche reacts with some sort of response, your body begins to release unnecessary amounts of adrenaline, your body then reacts to the adrenaline, you manifest physical symptoms such as tension, physical symptoms, you begin to hyper ventilate, you begin to panic due to these symptoms, your panic causes even more adrenaline to be released, your mind is now in some completely altered state, and the happy cycle goes on and on.

So please, read these tips above if you want ABSOLUTLY NO HELP WHAT SO EVER, and remember, first and last… stop taking those meds.

-disclaimer
In now way was this article endorsed by the FDA, who has recently let everyone know that lettuce is okay to eat now.